Thursday, November 6, 2014

I've Had It With These Monkey Fighting People Feeding Themselves To These Monday To Friday Snakes!

This week the Discovery Channel announced an upcoming new special titled Eaten Alive, in which a man wearing a "snake proof suit" will allow himself to be eaten by an anaconda.

I know what you're thinking. "Alright, Bob, that's enough. Your little 'comedy' posts are getting out of hand." Unfortunately this is not me desperately trying to come up with blog content. Sadly it appears to be all too true.

In Eaten Alive, wildlife filmmaker Paul Rosolie, someone we're apparently supposed to have heard of, will don a protective suit covered in pig's blood to make himself more "palatable." He'll then dive headfirst into the gullet of a live anaconda and presumably film what's inside. Hopefully the snake in question will be bigger than the one in the photo above.

There's no info available as to how he plans to get out of the snake. I'm assuming he'll have a rope tied to his ankle, so they can yank him back out? 

Man, am I kicking myself right now for getting rid of cable! This is truly a Golden Age of television.

Remember when the Discovery Channel aired documentaries about science, wildlife and history? Yeah, me either.

So what about the snake? Does he get to weigh in on this? It seems not only cruel, but downright unnecessary. Surely to Thor we've adequately mapped the inside of snakes by now to see what makes them tick. I could see if maybe the snake had swallowed Rosolie's wedding ring or car keys and he wanted to crawl in and grab 'em, but to do it for the sake of ratings just seems wrong.

Rosolie has tried to quiet critics by assuring him that the snake won't be harmed. He issued this statement on his website:
"For those worried about animal cruelty, I invite you to research my work — read my book "Mother of God: An Extraordinary Journey into the Uncharted Tributaries of the Western Amazon." Then ask yourself: would this person ever hurt an animal?"
Yes! Yes you would! And you don't even have a good reason for hurting the snake. You're doing as a ratings stunt for cable TV!

Normally I roll my eyes at PETA and think they're a bunch of publicity-seeking nutjobs (calling fish "sea kittens" so people won't want to eat them). In this case though I hope they step up and put a stop to this idiocy.

And what the hell is a "snake proof suit" anyway? Is it like a suit of armor, or Kevlar riot gear? I'm imagining it's probably more like a big mail sack.

I can't imagine there's all that much to see inside a snake anyway. Have you ever seen an image of an upper GI endoscopy? You know, where they stick a camera down your throat? It looks like the inside of a pink, slimy tube. I can't imagine the interior of a snake looking much different.

Meh. The Simpsons already did this years ago. And better.

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