Logo Go Go

Last week, one more sign of apocalyptic biblical prophecy came true as presumptive Republican presidential nominee Donald Trump named Indiana Governor Mike Pence as his running mate.

If you'll recall, Pence is a horrible, horrible public official who last year signed a controversial anti-LGBT law, which cost the Hoosier state millions, if not billions of dollars in lost business and tourism. He also signed a terrifying anti-abortion bill, and even stated that science is wrong about the harmful effects of smoking (!). 

The Trump/Pence ticket is truly a match made in the deepest levels of Hell.

Last Friday, the Trump campaign unveiled a brand new logo celebrating the two besties and running mates.

The logo proved to be quite provocative, as if featured a large, proud, throbbing letter T penetrating a submissive and receptive letter P. The thrust of the logo was unmistakable, as it pounded its message home, over and over again, faster and faster until it exploded in a spray of patriotic ecstasy.

Immediately after the logo was posted, the internet sprang into action, doing what it does best— relentlessly mocking it.

Apparently the taunts and jeers were too much for the Donald. Words hurt, you know! Less than twenty four hours after the X-rated logo appeared, it was pulled and replaced by a plainer, more family-friendly one. 

Note that Pence is apparently still a bottom, er, I mean on the bottom, under his new best friend and running mate.

Why So Pence?

INDIANAPOLIS– This week Indiana Governor Mike Pence signed his controversial new Religious Freedom Restoration Act into law. The bill has caused a furor in the Hoosier state, as opponents fear it will give businesses the legal right to refuse service to the LGBT community.

Governor Pence has adamantly defended the bill, saying, "This piece of legislation is absolutely vital for residents of Indiana, as it protects their individual religious freedoms, a topic already covered quite thoroughly by the First Amendment of the U.S. Constitution."

Opponents of the bill say it's vaguely worded and could be used to discriminate against homosexuals and other minorities. When questioned about the intent of the legislation, Pence stated, "These rampant and illogical fears are completely unfounded. This bill that's expressly designed to allow businesses to discriminate against homosexuals will of course never be used in the manner in which it was intended. Leave it to the liberal media to imply that such a bill could ever possibly be used for its exact purpose."

Pence went on to add, "Hoosier citizens are behind this bill 100%, which is why I signed it in a secret ceremony, inside a bunker located hundreds of feet beneath the Governor's mansion, surrounded by a human shield of nuns, monks, priests, clerics, friars, padres, vicars, rabbis, shamans and wizards."

"Seriously," said Pence, "Just look at all of them I managed to pack in here! How could anyone, even the staunchest and most ill-informed liberal, possibly come to the conclusion that the Religious Freedom Restoration Act is a bad thing when I had this many religious nuts standing around me? A priest or a nun wouldn't just stand idly by, smiling beatifically while I signed something bad now, would they?"

"I tried to get the Pope to appear too," added Pence, "But his office wouldn't return my calls. And I think Mother Teresa died a couple years ago."

When questioned, many of the religious leaders who attended the photo-op admitted they had no idea why they were there. Rabbi Schlomo Mendelbaum was horrified when informed of true purpose of the ceremony. "I was told there'd be a spread here," said Mendelbaum. "I'm not seeing any food. Wha? I'm here for what? A bill that does what? Jesus Christ! Let me out of here! Where's the door?"

Other members of the so-called "religious" leaders in attendance were actually cosplayers, brought in from a nearby comic book convention. One was dressed as Gandalf the White, a main character from the popular Lord Of The Rings novels, along with several Jedis, the fictional order from the Star Wars films, and several Tenth Level Clerics from the Dungeons & Dragons role-playing game.

Many major corporations in the Hoosier state have expressed their outrage over the bill, threatening to relocate if the legislation isn't immediately repealed. Salesforce, a multi-billion dollar firm, has canceled plans for a major expansion in Indiana, while GenCon, a popular annual gaming convention, and the NCAA have also threatened to take their business elsewhere. These businesses and events represent billions of dollars, a loss the Hoosier state can ill afford.

Pence was nonplussed by the threats and boycotts. "Prolonged and devastating economic collapse is a small price to pay so that Indiana bakers have the right to refuse service to homosexuals," said Pence. "Which is not what the bill is designed to do, by the way! I'm just saying."

"If we don't act immediately, who knows how many small businesses will be forced to cater to those people?" added Pence, as he visibly shuddered in an exaggerated and cartoonish manner. "Today it's bakers, tomorrow it could be seamstresses, forced to make two gowns for the same wedding! Brrrr!"

Some pundits have speculated that Pence signed the controversial bill in order to gain favor among conservative Republicans, as preparation for a Presidential run. "I am absolutely and categorically not running for President," said Pence. "Honestly, I have no idea where you people get such ideas," he said, as he hurriedly shoved a form labeled "Application For President Of The United States Of America" into his desk drawer.

An Open Letter To George Takei

Dear George Takei:

On March 26, Indiana Governor Mike Pence signed his controversial new "Religious Freedom" bill into law, in a private ceremony surrounded by an army of +5 wizards and clerics.

Like most rational adults, I am opposed to Governor Pence and this idiotic law, along with all its dire implications.

That said, celebrities and media figures who are calling for an immediate boycott of Indiana and Indiana-based businesses need to calm down and shut the hell up— specifically you, Mr. George Takei. The past few days you've been using your considerable influence and media presence to urge the rest of the country to avoid doing business with the Hoosier state at all costs.

Well gosh, George, it's very easy to be so noble about such issues when one is independently wealthy, like you. Unfortunately most of us Hoosiers aren't so lucky. We don't all have Star Trek careers we can milk for fifty years. We need our Indiana-based jobs, and can't afford to lose them because of some ill-advised boycott that isn't going to change a damned thing.

I'm betting the vast majority of Indiana businesses and workers disagree with the Religious Freedom bill and everything it stands for. So why punish innocent citizens who had nothing to do with it and are at the mercy of a government that doesn't speak for them?

Besides, such an embargo will have absolutely zero effect on the Governor. The entire state could be reduced to a barren, lifeless Hellscape and he won't be affected one whit. You can boycott every public and private business in the entire state, but tonight Mike Pence will still slumber peacefully on his solid gold bed, his head resting gently on a pillow woven from the finest unicorn manes.

You're burning down the entire house to kill a spider, George. Instead of a boycott that will only harm the residents of Indiana, why not initiate a sanction that targets the architect of this ridiculous law— Mike Pence himself? Wouldn't it be much more logical (!) to punish him instead of Hoosier workers? Why not initiate a recall of Pence, challenge him to a public debate or call out the CEOs and corporations that have contributed to his election campaign instead?

If even one Hoosier worker loses their job because of this boycott, it's on your head, George. Perhaps you should think about the consequences of your comments before you denounce an entire state for the actions of one misguided public official.

The same goes for Charles Barkley, GenCon, the NCAA, Salesfoce, Angieslist and anyone else who's calling for a boycott of Indiana.

Sincerely,

Bob Canada

A dissatisfied former fan

What's In A Name?

Are you curious as to what was the most popular boy's name in America in 2013? Eh, me either. Just play along, OK?

The map above shows last year's most popular male name in each state, if you can believe Social Security and The Huffington Post. The most popular name in my home state of Indiana: Liam.

Jesus Christ, are you kidding me? Liam? What century is this? I wasn't aware I'd accidentally time travelled and was living in 10th Century Ireland.

It's not just Indiana that's fallen in love with this archaic moniker. Somehow Liam is the most popular male name in eighteen of the fifty states. 

I can't speak for the entire country, but as far as Indiana goes this is nothing but a load of hogswallop. Based on my own observations (which admittedly may be spotty), the most popular male name in Indiana is Bubbie. 

I hear it spoken (make that screeched) on a daily basis. Everywhere I go it's "C'mon, Bubbie, we gotta git home so's I kin fix Daddy's supper" and "Bubbie! What'd I tell you about whoppin' yer sister?" or "Bubbie! Fetch me my beatin' switch!" and so on. 

Who knew there were so many jews in Indiana?

R.I.P. Sammy Terry

It's a sad day for Hoosier horror fans: Bob Carter, who played Indianapolis TV horror host Sammy Terry, has died at age 83. 

Sammy Terry was known throughout Central Indiana as the host of Nightmare Theater on Channel 4. He hosted the show for three decades, from 1962 to 1989.

Every Friday night Sammy would hoist himself out of his coffin, utter his trademark sinister chortle and introduce various horror and sci-fi films. His sidekick was a large spider named George who spoke gibberish that only Sammy could understand.

In real life Bob Carter had a far less fiendish occupation: he owned and operated the Family Music Center in Indianapolis. He did his best to keep the two jobs separate and I'm sure many a customer bought an oboe from him without ever knowing they were in the presence of a ghoulish TV star.

Carter was married to his wife Phyllis for 59 years (!) and had four children.

In recent years Carter's health began to fade and his son Mark took over the Sammy Terry role, appearing at various horror conventions. Hopefully Sammy's legacy will live on through him.

I have very fond memories of watching Sammy Terry back in the day. In the pre-home video days of the 1960s and 1970s you couldn't watch movies on demand. If you wanted to see a particular film you just had hope it would come on TV some day. Sammy's show was a godsend, as he regularly aired old horror and sci-fi movies on Nightmare Theater. Sammy introduced me to Frankenstein and Godzilla movies and many more. I wouldn't be a horror fan today if not for him.

You can read more of my reminiscences about Sammy Terry here.

The Driving Dead

I see at least one of these charity license plates every morning on the way to work.

I'm assuming the green handprints are supposed to represent a kid's finger painting? To be honest every time I see those prints it makes me think of something else.

With just a slight bit of tweaking on their part Indiana could appeal to the Walking Dead demographic and the state could pick up a little extra income.

C'mon, Hoosier State! Issue a plate that people actually want already! Make this happen for real!