Batman V Superman V Logic

This week the new trailer for the Dark Knight V Hopeman, er, I mean Batman V Superman movie was released. Yawn.

I absolutely hated Man Of Steel, and I don't much care for the grim and gritty Nolanesque version of Batman. I'm also not a fan of Frank Miller's Dark Knight Returns comic, that this movie's partly based on. So I couldn't be less excited about this film.

The trailer's quite a piece of work, as it neatly spells out the entire plot of the movie in two minutes or less. Seriously, after watching it I could sit down right now and bang out a version of the script that would be virtually indistinguishable from the real thing. I don't see how there could be any surprises left when the actual film premieres next year. Way to go, trailer!

There was one scene in the trailer that I thought was absolutely hilarious and feel compelled to point out, so let the unfair and premature mocking begin!

At one point in the trailer, we see a family clinging precariously to the roof of their home as flood water rise all around them. In desperation they've painted an SOS to Superman, hoping against hope he'll appear and save them in time.

Wow, that is some damned impressive typography they painted on the roof of their house! Especially for people who are busy dying in a flood. They even added the little serif at the top of the "S!" This has got to be the house of a graphic designer.

"Honey, be careful! The sign's good enough! Get away from the edge of the roof before you fall in!"

"Are you crazy, Edna? If I don't get the curve of this S just right if we want Superman to save us! Otherwise he might fly down here and snap our necks in anger!"

Note that they apparently had the foresight to bring a bucket of paint, a brush and a paint tray up onto their roof, but apparently didn't bring any food or blankets.

You know, they could have saved a lot of time and effort and just painted "HELP" on their roof like normal humans would. Now the rescue copters are gonna pass them by because they only want help from Superman.

"Look down there, Joe! Some people trapped on their roof who need our help. You get the rope and I'll hover the copter above 'em."

"Eh, never mind, Charlie! They don't want our help. They're holdin' out fer Supes ta save 'em!"

Worst. Parents. Ever!

Welp, the first trailer for the upcoming Batman V Superman is out. To borrow from the Bard, it's full of sound and fury, signifying nothing.

I know it's bad form to criticize a movie before it even comes out, but I hate these DC films with the white hot passion of a thousand blazing suns, so I'm doing it anyway.

First, some background. Back in 2013's Man Of Steel, we were introduced to a Pa Kent a little different from previous versions. A Pa who was strangely unconcerned with the welfare of others:

Holy crap, Pa! The super-strong, invulnerable Space Jesus you call your son just saved a school bus full of kids from drowning, and you yell at him for doing so, suggesting he should have just "let nature take its course?"

I'm starting to understand why Hopeman was able to so casually snap Zod's neck at the end of the movie.

Not to be outdone, in Batman V Superman, it looks like Ma Kent's getting in on the act as well. Here she is giving her son some more dubious advice:

Wow.

Awesome advice, Ma Kent! You do realize that this planet is Superman's adopted home now, right? He owes EVERYTHING to this world! His planet exploded, for frak's sake! The Earth literally welcomed him into its open arms and saved his life. God forbid he should lift a finger to save it. He should just sit back and watch as it's ravaged by natural disasters and aliens. I'm sure everything will work out alright without him. In fact, he should take from his adopted homeland. Take and take and take as much as he wants and never give a single thing back. That's the American Way these days, right?

You know, any second I expect Ma Kent's face plate to pop off, revealing she and Pa Kent are both androids being controlled by Lex Luthor. At least then there'd be a good reason for the horrible, horrible parenting advice they've given to their walking nuclear bomb of a son.

Worst. Parents. Ever!

Kal-quaman?

This week director Zach Snyder revealed an image of actor Jason Momoa as Aquaman, from the upcoming movie Batman V Superman: Superheroes On Parade.

So apparently at some point in the movie, Aquaman is transformed into Khal Drogo. Got it.

Wow, are you sure Momoa's not playing one of the villains in the film? Someone like Dread Man, or The Deadly Scowl? Seriously, he looks more like a biker gang member / Maori warrior / Burning Man attendant / Rob Zombie than he does the king of Atlantis.

I'm betting this change is due to the perceived lameness of the Superfriends version of the character. You know, the one where he could only talk to fish, not command them, and couldn't stay out of water for more than an hour, to the mirth of the general public.

I suppose I shouldn't be surprised by Aquaman's new makeover, given the grim, gritty and "grounded" nature of all the DC Comic movies. Superheroes shouldn't be fun, laws no! They should look terrifying and be feared as they kill ten times more innocents than they protect!

Personally I think Momoa would have made a better Sub-Mariner over at Marvel, but what do I know? Marvel Studios currently owns the movie rights to Prince Namor, so I wonder... did DC hire Jason Momoa as Aquaman just to pre-empt a potential Marvel Sub-Mariner movie?

Accent On The Accent

What's the deal with the comic book movie villains and their crazy accents these days? Say, how's that for a classic stand-up comedian intro?

It all started with Heath Ledger's portrayal of the Joker in 2008's The Dark Knight. His nasal, idiosyncratic Tom Waits-ian delivery was certainly an odd choice. Effective, but odd.

You can compare and contrast the Joker with Tom Waits here, around the 2 minute mark.

Then we had Bane, from 2012's The Dark Knight Rises. Bane was an erudite supervillain who sounded like he was doing a bad Sean Connery impression muffled by a bizarre gas mask. Hopefully nothing he said was integral to the plot because I only understood about half of his nearly-incomprehensible dialog.

Now we have The Mandarin, from the upcoming Iron Man 3. Now granted I haven't the film as it's not yet been released, but based on the trailers he's continuing the tradition of eccentric supervillain accents.

Throughout the trailer he delivers his lines in an oddly flat bassy drawl, saying:

"Some people call me a turrrr-ist. I consider myself a teechurrrrrr. Lesson. Numburrrrrr. One."

You can hear his weirdo accent here, around the 50 second mark.

At this rate I fully expect General Zod from the new Man of Steel movie to speak like an Austrian Burgermeister, a 17th century French fop, Astro from the Jetsons or perhaps with a cutesly Betty Boop voice.