World's Greatest!

This week in Washington, President Trump and the Republican House finally made good on their threat to gut the U.S. healthcare system introduced their new replacement for the Affordable Care Act, aka "Obamacare."

I thought it had to be part of an Onion article at first, but I checked it out and it's all too true. Believe it or not, Trump's replacement for Obamacare really is titled H.R.1275 - World's Greatest Healthcare Plan Of 2017. I swear to you I am not kidding here.

Sounds like someone in Washington has been reading their Orwell. With a name like that, this new plan must be doubleplusgood! Support the troops in the war against Eastasia! Or is it Eurasia this week? I can never remember.

The World's Greatest Healthcare Plan Of 2017 is just the latest in a series of tremendous new policies from our Glorious Leader Trump, as it accompanies his recent Totally Rad Muslim Ban and the Badass Off The Hook Mexican Border Wall.

I'm leaving work early today to start building my Giant Meteor Attractor.

This Week In Too Much Government Bureaucracy

This week the government busybodies at the CDC (otherwise known as the Center For Disease Control) issued a series of pamphlets telling poultry farmers how to run their businesses.

The pamphlets were released in response to several Salmonella outbreaks across the country, prompting the government to stick their nose into everyone's grills and pass yet more unnecessary laws.

Among the CDC's unwanted and unasked for advice: Don't kill your chickens.

Are you freakin' kidding me? I can't believe this. First I can't smoke in public, then I can't drink when I'm pregnant, then I can't talk or text while I'm driving, and now this! The nerve of these law-making meddlers. I'm sorry, I thought this was America, not the Lao People's Democratic Republic. Just one more instance of our Socialist Government-Gone-Wild, introducing excessive laws and intruding into the lives of innocent citizens.

Next they'll be telling me I can't let my chickens live in my hou... what's that? GODDAMN IT! They've actually passed a law saying I can't keep my chickens in my house. That tears it. I'm moving to someplace sane, like Venezuela.

Here's the actual text from the CDC's brochure: 

Advice to Backyard Flock Owners

Contact with live poultry and their environment can make people sick with Salmonella infections. Live poultry can be carrying Salmonella bacteria but appear healthy and clean and show no signs of illness. Follow these simple tips for protecting yourself and others while enjoying backyard poultry:

• Wash your hands thoroughly with soap and water right after touching live poultry or anything in the area where they live and roam. Adults should supervise hand washing for young children.

• If soap and water are not readily available, use hand sanitizer until you are able to wash your hands thoroughly with soap and water.

• Do not snuggle or kiss the birds, touch your mouth, or eat or drink around live poultry.

• Do not let live poultry inside the house, in bathrooms, or especially in areas where food or drink is prepared, served, or stored, such as kitchens, or outdoor patios.

• Children younger than 5 years, adults older than 65, and people with weakened immune systems should not handle or touch chicks, ducklings, or other live poultry. People in these groups are more likely to have a severe illness from Salmonella infection.

• Stay outdoors when cleaning any equipment or materials used to raise or care for live poultry, such as cages or feed or water containers.

• These recommendations are important and apply to all live poultry regardless of the age of the birds or where they were purchased.

I have a feeling this is going to backfire on the Government. You know the old saying— When kissing chickens is outlawed, only outlaws will kiss chickens.

Hazardous To Your Health

This week California State Senator Bill Monning proposed a new bill that would require warning labels to be added to all sweetened soft drinks.

The bill would read: "STATE OF CALIFORNIA SAFETY WARNING: Drinking beverages with added sugar(s) contributes to obesity, diabetes, and tooth decay." 

Because of course the general public is blissfully unaware that soft drinks aren't health food and the government knows what's best for each and every one of us. By all means let's treat soft drinks the same as we do cigarettes and alcohol.

Jesus wept.

Of all the futuristic sci-fi films that have come out in the past 30 years, THIS is the last one I ever thought would come true.

Lenina Huxley: Ah, smoking is not good for you, and it's been deemed that anything not good for you is bad; hence, illegal. Alcohol, caffeine, contact sports, meat... 

John Spartan: Are you sh*tting me? 

Moral Statute Machine: (BUZZ) John Spartan, you are fined one credit for a violation of the Verbal Morality Statute. 

John Spartan: What the hell is that?

Moral Statute Machine: (BUZZ) John Spartan, you are fined one credit for a violation of the Verbal Morality Statute. 

Lenina Huxley: Bad language, chocolate, gasoline, uneducational toys and anything spicy. Abortion is also illegal, but then again so is pregnancy if you don't have a license.

It's enough to make me run out and commit a murder/death/kill.

This Week In Irony

If you head over to Google you'll see this is their Doodle for today: a graphic celebrating the 123rd anniversary of Yosemite National Park.

Thinking about heading out there to visit the park on its birthday? Not so fast, Bub! Due to the government shutdown all 401 National Parks* are closed until further notice. Nice timing there, Google (cue Sad Trombone)!

Also affected by the shutdown: NASA's Near Earth Object Office. You know, the people who monitor asteroids and other near-earth objects that may pose a threat to the planet. Come on, extinction-level meteor! Now's your chance to finally bash into Earth and wipe out our whole sorry civilization!

*The actual number of parks varies wildly depending on who you ask. Wouldn't think that would be such a mystery, but there you go.