Working Title

This week, posters for Robert Eggers' (The VVitch, The Lighthouse) new movie The Northman began going up in major cities across the country. Like this one, which popped up in the New York City subway.

It's a typical modern movie poster, cobbled together from stills of the various actors, none of whom were ever in the same room at the same time. 

There's just one small thing missing from it... namely (heh) the TITLE!

Holy Crap On A Cracker! How the hell can a major studio pull a boner like that? Misspelling an actor's name, sure. Forgetting a producer credit, of course. But forgetting to emblazon it with the title of the actual movie? Jaysis! That's a fireable offense right there!

Some are suggesting this wasn't simply an accident, but a cleverly implemented marketing stunt. Leaving off something as important as the title would likely cause quite a stir online, prompting bloggers and internet wags to comment on it and give the film loads of free publicity. You know, like I'm doing right now.

If it really was part of a stealthy strategy, then give that Marketing Director a raise, pronto!

It's Like Poetry— It Rhymes!

Above is a new poster for The Rise Of Gorge, er, I mean The Rise Of Skywalker, Disney's latest attempt to destroy the Star Wars franchise forever.

Note the figures of Rey and Kylo Ren in a furious lightsaber battle in the foreground, with the brooding presence of another Kylo Ren looming above them in stark red and black.

This seems familiar, but I can't quite figure out where I've seen it before...

Oh yeah, now I remember! It's a blatant swipe from the Return Of The Jedi poster from 1983!

Before anyone says anything, I get it. I know the new poster's not a swipe, but an homage to the old one. But I don't care. You have no idea how much this pisses me off.

Disney's obviously hoping if they remind the public of the Original Trilogy enough, some of its cachet will rub off on their new abomination. Nice try.

This just goes to show how desperate Disney is. They know they have another disaster on their hands, and they're doing everything in their power to generate buzz in a disinterested public. It's actually fascinating to see the depths they're willing to sink to in order to sell tickets to this fustercluck.

This Week In Desperate Marketing Campaigns

Marvel's next blockbuster movie Ant-Man hits theaters next month. Comic fans all know the shrinking superhero of course, but the general public has most likely never heard of him.

Marvel knows this, and realizes they're gambling on a relatively unknown property, just like they did last year with The Guardians Of The Galaxy. To that end, they've been waging an increasingly desperate marketing campaign in order to raise awareness and sell the character to the masses.

Nowhere is that more evident than in this new round of movie posters they just released. Who's film is this, anyway? The title says Ant-Man, but you can barely see him, as half the poster's real estate is taken up by Iron Man's head & shoulder. 

I'm also pretty sure Iron Man's not in the movie, so this poster constitutes fraud. False advertising, at the very least.

We get it already, guys. It's a Marvel movie. Ant-Man lives in the same world as Tony Stark and the Avengers. I'm sure we'll like him just as much.

There you go, Marvel. I fixed your poster for you.

And just in case you still don't get it, they also released a Captain America one (without Cap)...

And a Thor one, with Mjolnir instead of Thor.

Subtlety, thy name is Marvel!

Avengers 2: Electric Boogaloo

Today Marvel Studios released this new poster for Avengers: Age Of Ultron.

Looks pretty good, if a bit crowded. Best of all, after studying the poster I've deduced part of the plot! At some point in the movie, Iron Man uses his new shrink ray (that he borrows from Ant-Man) to reduce Hawkeye, Black Widow and Nick Fury down to hobbit size!

I'm betting in the finale they crawl inside Ultron and start pulling on wires and microchips until he shuts down, saving the day. It's gonna be awesome! Hurry up, May 1st!

I Am Spurious Yellow

Last weekend I went to the cineplex, and while waiting in line for my $4.99 each popcorn and drink (or get the Combo Deal for only $10!) I saw this poster for the new film Escape From Planet Earth.

Didn't see it, won't see it, have zero interest in ever seeing it. It looks like nothing more than a pastiche of every CGI log that Hollywood's squeezed from its supple, spray-tanned ass cheeks in the past six or seven years and I guarantee you that at some point during the run time there's a montage set to Smash Mouth's All Star.

But Bob, you're saying, lighten up! Take your medicine! It's just a kid's movie, for Thor's sake! Doesn't matter. Just because it's for an undiscerning audience of kids who haven't developed taste yet is no excuse for turning out crap. And derivative crap, to boot!

Don't believe the derivative part? OK then, look closely at the poster. Notice the yellow-uniformed goons chasing the lead characters. Do they look familiar to you? Does it feel like you've seen them somewhere before? No?

How about now?

If imitation is the sincerest form of flattery, then what is blatant duplication?

That rustling noise you hear isn't the wind in the leaves, it's the sound of a thousand Disney lawyers stuffing legal pads into their Armani briefcases.

Then there's this. Maybe not in the same ballpark, but definitely on the same block. 

What the hell is it with CGI henchmen and the color yellow? Is it some kind of law or something?

Don't Believe The Hype

I was in high school when the 1976 King Kong remake came out (proving that Hollywood remakes aren't anything new!).

I'd seen the original 1933 Kong of course so I wasn't particularly excited about the new version, as I didn't see how they could improve on the original. My interest was piqued though when I started reading behind the scenes info about the film in Starlog magazine (which was the only source of geek news we had before the internet). They boldly claimed that this new Kong film wouldn't use stop motion animation like the original but would instead feature a giant 40 foot tall robotic gorilla. 

My young mind positively reeled at this news. Had the field of robotics really advanced that far in 1976? Was it really possible to build a convincing giant mechanical ape that could act and perform its own stunts? I was skeptical. I couldn't see any way that such a thing could run and jump without tearing itself to shreds.

In the end though I decided that yes, it must be so. A movie studio couldn't just lie about something like that and get away with it. After all, if it was in print, it had to be true!

As the film's release date approached the Kong marketing engine kicked into high gear. Producer Dino DeLaurentis appeared on virtually every talk show on TV, loudly proclaiming that his mechanical "Konk," as he called it, was the marvel of the ages and would revolutionize the film industry.

Every magazine in the country featured articles about the robot ape as well. I remember one in particular that described the filming in precise detail. It claimed that the giant robot was able to take fifteen foot strides, could reach down and pick up an actor in its giant paw and its face was capable of displaying dozens of expressions. That article settled any doubts I might have had. 

I hungrily consumed every bit of information I could find about the production. I couldn't believe it— I was actually living in a world populated by a giant robotic ape. Could flying cars and jet packs be far behind? 

After what seemed like years the release date finally came. I arrived at the crowded theater and anxiously took my seat. The lights dimmed. The moment had finally come. I was about witness film history. I was going to see a giant mechanical ape make its triumphant appearance on the screen. I was practically trembling with anticipation.

The film began and somewhere around the fifty minute mark the new Kong finally appeared, and... it was a guy in an ape suit. Sonuvabitch!!!

As a fan of Godzilla movies I knew an actor in a suit when I saw one and this was most definitely nothing more than an actor in a suit. And it wasn't even a particularly good suit at that. It most definitely was not a giant mechanical ape capable of walking and running and climbing up the side of the goddamn World Trade Center under its own power. I was crushed and supremely disappointed.

As soon as I saw that Kong was just a guy jumping around in an ape suit I was so disgusted I wanted to get up and leave. I didn't have a driver's license yet so I'd have had no way home. So I sat there glaring at the screen until it was over.

To be fair, technically the producers really did build a giant robotic Kong. The problem is that it's only in the movie for about fifteen seconds.

Mecha-Kong shows up in the scene in which he's unveiled to a crowded New York arena. It's pretty easy to spot the robotic ape; his arms are usually hanging stiffly at his sides and he has a glazed, vacant expression on his face as if drunk. The robot is even less convincing than the man in the suit, if you can imagine such a thing. The producers must have thought so too, because the camera never gets less than a hundred yards from it.

All that pre-release hype and buildup for a mechanical contraption that was only slightly more animated than the average Christmas lawn ornament.

Apart from its slow, jerky movement, the main problem with the robotic Kong is that it looked completely different that the suit version. Take a look at the two images above. That's the full size robot at the top, with the awkwardly stiff arms and legs and glassy-eyed stare. Compare it with the man in the suit below. They don't look the least bit alike. The proportions and head sizes aren't even close.   

I felt bitterly disappointed and horribly betrayed that I'd fallen for the studio hype. Maybe even a little embarrassed with myself for believing them. But I learned a valuable lesson that night: Don't believe anything you read, especially a studio press release. The more exciting the hype, the more likely it is to be a load of bushwah. Studio marketing departments exist for one reason and one reason only: to get you to buy their product. And they'll do anything it takes to make that happen, up to and including outright lying.

The movie couldn't even stop lying once it was over. At the end of the film it should have been obvious to anyone with a pulse that what they'd just seen was a guy in an ape suit cavorting around on the screen for two hours. But then the credit above pops up, giving a big old pat on the back to Carlo Rambaldi and Glenn Robinson, the men who built the giant robot ape, implying that their creation is what you saw during most of the film. 

The credit does grudgingly call out "special contributions" by Rick Baker. Baker was of course the man in the suit who appeared in 99.99% of the Kong scenes. Yeah, I suppose he might be worth mentioning in passing.

Incredibly, King Kong won an Academy Award for Best Visual Effects! That's just rubbing salt into the wound. I wonder how many members of the Academy thought they were voting for a giant mechanical ape instead of a guy in suit?

While we're at it, let's take another look at the movie poster. Like the movie it's promoting it's a veritable cornucopia of exaggeration and outright lies.

First off that's a pretty bold tag line they used there. "The Most Exciting Original Motion Picture Event Of All Time." I guess if by "original" you mean "the same exact plot as a movie made 43 years earlier" then it's true. It's Marketing, kids!

Also, note that Kong appears to be holding some sort of smoldering, gigantic mechanical cigarette butt in his right hand. I think that's supposed to be a jet plane that he snatched from the sky, possibly of the same type shown buzzing around his head. There are exactly zero jet planes in the actual movie. A few model helicopters flit around his head in the film's climax, but no jets. Behold marketing!

The poster also depicts Kong's spectacular aerial battle as taking place during broad daylight. In the movie it takes place entirely at night, in a vain effort to hide the zipper on the back of the suit.

And lastly, the poster depicts Kong straddling the World Trade Center, one furry foot resting on each of the towers. You guessed it, no such scene occurs during the movie. Kong is supposed to be 40 feet tall, and the towers were about 200 feet apart, so he would really have to do some stretching to straddle them as depicted in the poster. In fact in the movie he has to make a running jump from one to the other (and barely makes it). Marketing!

The Marketing Team must have really liked artist John Berkey's depiction of Kong's roaring face. They used it unchanged (if flopped) on several other posters as well.

On an unrelated note: Next time you watch the movie, you can amuse yourself by looking for the guy frantically waving a handkerchief at the camera during Kong's final touching death scene.

The moral of this rambling, semi-coherent story: we couldn't build an agile giant mechanical ape in 1976, and we most likely never will.

Disney's Marketing Department Confuses Me

Next year Disney Studios is releasing a big-budget movie based on the Edgar Rice Burroughs book A Princess of Mars. The book is the first in the John Carter of Mars series, all about the titular hero and his adventures on the red planet.

Disney, in their infinite wisdom, has decided to rename the movie and call it simply John Carter. Whuuuh?

OK, I can understand why they didn't want to call the movie by it's literary title of A Princess of Mars. John Carter is the main character after all, so the Princess title would be a bit misleading. It also implies you're going to see some kind of Sailor Moon girly movie, which would keep young males away in droves. Calling it John Carter: A Princess of Mars wouldn't be a very good idea either.

So I get why the title had to change. But why then didn't they simply call the movie John Carter OF MARS? Burrough's wrote eleven books in the series, the last of which contains that title. It's unlikely they're ever going to adapt all eleven books, so why not go ahead and use that title?

It's a sci-fi movie after all. I can only speak for myself, but as a science fiction fan I would be much more likely to go see a movie titled John Carter of Mars than the ridiculously bland John Carter. Adding "Of Mars" would at least give me an inkling that it might have some sci-fi element to it. Calling it John Carter tells me absolutely nothing about the movie I'm going to see. Is it a new Tom Hanks drama? A historical epic starring Mel Gibson? A movie about a reformed mobster? Who knows? It's like instead of Star Wars, George Lucas titled his movie Luke Skywalker.

Plus ever time I see the title John Carter I think of this:

Update: Apparently I'm not the only one who's vexed by this title. John Carter director Andrew Stanton recently gave an interview to try and explain himself. According to him:

"Here's the real truth of it. I'd already changed it from A Princess Of Mars to John Carter Of Mars. I don't like to get fixated on it, but I changed Princess Of Mars ... because not a single boy would go."

"And then the other truth is, no girl would go to see John Carter Of Mars. So I said, 'I don't won't to do anything out of fear, I hate doing things out of fear, but I can't ignore that truth.'"

"All the time we were making this big character story which just so happens to be in this big, spectacular new environment. But it's not about the spectacle, it's about the investment. I thought, I've really worked hard to make all of this an origin story. It's about a guy becoming John Carter. So I'm not misrepresenting what this movie is, it's John Carter.

"Mars is going to stick on any other film in the series. But by then, it won't have a stigma to it."

Let me tell you, that is some might pretty Markletspeak© right there.

Evolution Of The Cybermen

Here's what all my recent Cyberman posts were leading up to: a poster depicting every version (so far) of Doctor Who's Cybermen.

Obviously you'll have to zoom in to read the text.

I drew my first Cyberman back when I did my Doctor Who Enemies Infographic (which was the version from the episode The Invasion). A bit later I drew the Earthshock version. That's when I decided to go ahead and draw every variation of Cyberman there's been so far.

I didn't know it at the time but after I started researching them I found out that there have a whopping EIGHTEEN different versions of Cybermen! If I'd known that before I started I would have probably said forget it!

I'm reasonably confident that I drew every major Cyberman variation that has appeared on the show; hopefully I didn't miss any. If I did, I don't know that I'll go back and correct it. I've spent the past two or three weeks squinting at reference photos trying to figure out if a white line was a piece of tubing or a fold in a silver jumpsuit. I'm a little Cybermanned out.

Actually drawing this wasn't as bad as it probably looks. Because it's a vector drawing, I could easily reuse parts and pieces. I'd draw a right arm, then clone and flop it for a left arm. Same with the legs and the "handlebars" on their heads. And drawing Cyberleaders was pretty easy-- just draw a regular Cyberman, clone him, color his handlebars black, and there you go! Instant Cyberleader.

At first I was trying to make this a standard poster size, like 12" x 18" or 24" x 36", but try as I might I just couldn't squeeze everyone into those sizes (without shrinking them into oblivion). I finally said "who cares" and just let the art dictate the size. If I ever decide to have it printed I'll figure something out then.

By the way, if you're scratching your head trying to figure out what's different about the last two Cybermen in the bottom row, it's the chest plate. The first three Cybermen in the bottom row all have a stylized letter "C" on their chests (which stands for Cybus Industries, not Cybermen). They come from a parallel Earth in another dimension. The last two Cybermen don't have the "C" because they originated from our own dimension.

If you're interested in seeing how I draw these vector characters, I posted a How To Draw A Cybermen In 42 Easy Steps.

This is a vector drawing, done all in InDesign.

So how do I know so much about Cybermen? I'm not at liberty to say...

Major Mustasha

A turn-of-the-century (LAST century, that is!) theatrical poster.

As usual, a simple little sketchbook doodle  turned into a complicated illustration project. There's definitely something in my head that likes to complicate matters.

I probably got a little carried away with all the text. The poster kept growing in length as I'd think of more copy to write. It was fun writing it though. I tried to mimic that early 1900s style as closely as I could. Be sure and click on the image in order to read it all. Depending on your monitor you may have to use "zoom" to read the finer print.

I used the whole software arsenal for this one. The frame, boxes and text were all laid out in InDesign. I then imported all that into Photoshop. I thought the text looked a little too perfect and precise for an old poster, so I used a wave filter on it to distort it a bit. The wavy text on either side of the Major was written and distorted in Illustrator, and of course imported into Photoshop. And the Major himself was drawn in Photoshop, of course.

Here's the original simple sketch of a little guy supported by his mustache.

 

Here's the more refined second sketch. I had to change the proportions of his mustache a lot in the final image to better fill the space.