Wednesday, November 26, 2014

This Week In Embarrassing Adult Geek Sleepwear

Welp, it's that time of year again, when my email inbox is stuffed to the brim with hundreds of sales, special offers and once-in-a-lifetime deals. I delete them by the bushel, but for everyone I trash, two more pop up like hydra heads.

I ignore the vast majority of them, but occasionally one will manage to briefly grab my attention before it's relegated to the trash bin. An astounding majority of them are ads for Adult Geek Sleepwear, which seems to have become a thing now.

I have a feeling that most people would never actually buy these items for themselves. Instead, they have that air of Desperate Xmas Gift about them. You know, things purchased by people who have absolutely no idea what to buy you, but kind of remember that you like that one show about the guy with the long scarf.

If for some reason you do buy any of these for yourself and actually wear them to bed, pray to whatever gods you worship that your house never catches fire and you have to stand out on the front lawn at 3am while the neighbors gawk at you wearing your Doctor Who onesie. You've been warned.

Let's take a closer look at the various Embarrassing Adult Geek Sleepwear there is to be had, shall we?

First up we have the stylish Tenth Doctor Hooded Onesie. This sleek little number does its best to simulate David Tennant's trademark pin striped suit and brown overcoat, and fails spectacularly.
Say, is that a sonic screwdriver in your pocket, or are you just glad to see me?
For some reason there seems to be a plethora of upsetting Doctor Who sleepwear available, far more than there's room to show here. Make of that what you will.

Here we have the TARDIS Hooded Onesie. which is only slightly less ridiculous looking than the previous entry. 

Here we have yet another chic Doctor Who-themed hooded onesie. I honestly don't get the appeal of these. Is there really that big of a market for adult sleepwear that you have to unzip all the way to the crotch when you need to pee in the middle of the night?

This one is apparently supposed to echo a traditional sweater design, and is festooned with dozens of little TARDISES (TARDI?).

All things considered the design of this one isn't all that bad. It's just that it's printed on an oversized adult version of an article of clothing meant to be worn by an infant, which is nothing if not off-putting.

Speaking of off-putting, we have this smart little number, the TARDIS Hooded Summer Onesie.

At long last you can dress like an overgrown man-child year round with this cool and classic sleep set made specially for those sultry summer months.

Again with the Doctor Who onesies! I told you there were a ton of them! This one's not as disturbing as it is just plain ugly. It's hard to see, but there are TARDISES hidden in there somewhere.

Of course once you finally manage to crawl out of bed at 1 or 2 in the afternoon, you can't very well parade around the house in naught but your adult onesie. That's why you'll need one of these Doctor Who TARDIS or Fourth Doctor terrycloth robes.

Guaranteed to soak up gallons of Doritos flavored Mt. Dew during even the most spirited Call Of Duty gaming sessions.

You can even purchase Doctor Who Boxers for some inexplicable reason. Shown here are the Eleventh Doctor Boxers, which strangely enough are designed to look like a shirt, bowtie and sport jacket, and of course the inevitable set of TARDIS boxers.
If anyone even thinks of making an "It's Bigger On The Inside" joke I swear I'll turn this car right around!

Doctor Who isn't the only property to be desecrated by this distressing trend. Here we have a set of Star Wars Jedi and Darth Vader Hooded Robes.

You won't have a bad feeling about this in these sassy sleepwear from a galaxy far, far away!

For those of you with a bit of a wild streak, there's this classy Chewbacca Hooded Robe (what's with all the hoods?) that looks exactly like it was made from my bathroom rug, right down to the texture and perpetual dampness.

You'll go where no sleepwear has gone before with these dashing Star Trek: The Next Generation Mens & Womens Pajamas. Shields up! Red alert!

Why should sci-fi fans have all the fun? Comic book fans can dress like disconcertingly enormous babies as well! Behold the Batman and Superman Onesies!

Holy Trendsetters, Batman!

The Walking Dead is one of the most popular shows on TV right now, so it's no wonder they got in on the geek sleepwear act.

Now you can hunt down the undead or just read the morning paper in your official The Walking Dead Sheriff Rick Grimes Bathrobe. It's to die for!

This robe will also apparently cause your head to swell to Brobdingnagian proportions, but that's another story.

If you're one of those who feels a little "dead: inside when you first wake up, why not try The Walking Dead Walker Robe? Why eat brains when you can just wear this "smart" little number?

Just in case all that wasn't disturbing enough, feast your eyes on these: Yep, we now live in a world in which it's possible to buy Underoos for adults!

Available of course in Man Of Steel, Batgirl, Wonder Woman, He-Man and Skeletor.

Hopefully I won't receive any of this sleepwear for Xmas, because I'm warning everyone right now, if I do, it's going in the back of the closet with the novelty doormats, talking fish and Panini makers.

I'll stick to sleeping in a t-shirt and shorts, thanks.

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