Xmas Relic

It's the Holiday Season, so you know what that means— it's time for tons of overpriced and bizarre Xmas ornaments to line the shelves of your local Hallmark store! Let's see what offerings they have this year.

How about this Star Trek: The Next Generation ornament? It's based on the Season 6 episode Relics, in which Scotty wakes from suspended animation and finds himself in the 24th Century, where he meets Captain Picard & crew.

Yikes! What the hell happened to poor ol' Scotty here? I get that they had to put the ornament hook somewhere, but Jaysis! Did they have to stick it right in his shoulder? It looks for all the world like our Mr. Scott was in a really bad accident in Engineering!

It's even worse when viewed from the other side! Holy crap! Now it looks like the Klingons harpooned Scotty right in the top of his noggin!

In Stock

Yesterday I decided I needed a red flannel shirt, for reasons. I know from past experience not to waste time attempting to find something I want in a brick & mortar store in this town, so I turned to the internet for my shopping needs.

Target was a bust, as all they had were small sizes (I guess the normal, human sizes were snapped up at the beginning of winter).

I then turned to JCPenney, hoping for better luck there. Nope! Same thing. Plenty of red flannel shirts, but none anywhere close to the XL that I needed.

The news isn't all bad though. JCPenney may be all out of affordable winter clothing, but they are fully stocked with Star Trek: The Next Generation command-level uniforms! And it's about time, too! With its distinctive maroon division color, slim cut and padded shoulders, this uniform will definitely "Make It So" when it comes to fashion! It'll fit in perfectly in any office environment, from the board room to the break room! Engage!

Seriously. I couldn't find a goddamned flannel shirt in this joint, but they sell frakin' Star Trek uniforms. Is it any wonder their stock price is under a dollar a share?

The Orville Season 1, Episode 6: Krill

This week The Orville continues to improve, and demonstrates that it's much more than just a spoof of Star Trek: The Next Generation.

This week's episode finally brings back the Krill, the enemy aliens who were introduced in the series' pilot but haven't been seen since. It gives us some much needed background on the Klingons, er, I mean the Krill and their culture, as we find out their society is eerily similar to our own.

At first glance this episode, in which the Krill refuse to tolerate any race not blessed by their god, seems to be making a comment about Middle Eastern religious extremism, specifically Muslims. Scratch a bit deeper though and I think it's actually commenting on ALL religions— even Christian fundamentalism! Think about it— over the centuries there's been more blood shed in the name of the Christian God than for any other reason. Heck, the Krill temple even looks amazingly like the inside of a Christian church!

The religious angle gets abandoned halfway through the episode though, as it switches gears and becomes a morality play about casualties of war. Mercer's forced to killa ship full of Krill in order to save a human colony. It's not quite the victory he hoped for though, as his actions inadvertently make future enemies of a group of Krill children. Mercer's realization that violence just begets violence was legitimately chilling, and something I never expected to see on this show.

Krill is the first episode that's not written by series creator Seth MacFarlane. It was penned by David A. Goodman, who's written and produced many of MacFarlane's various animated shows. Goodman's also a Trek alum, as he wrote several scripts for Enterprise (and even an episode of The Golden Girls!). 

SPOILERS!

The Plot:
In Ten Forward, er, I mean the crew lounge, the bridge staff discovers Bortus can eat virtually anything and hilarity ensues. Suddenly their good time's interrupted as they're called to the bridge. A Krill Battle Cruiser is attacking a human colony on Castor IV. Captain Mercer hails the ship and orders them to cease fire. The Battle Cruiser complies, but unfortunately it turns and begins firing on the Orville.

Mercer uses some fancy tactics to obscure the Krill vessel's targeting scanners, then unexpectedly unleashes all torpedoes on the enemy ship, destroying it. Even better, Kelly notices a Krill shuttle floating in the wreckage.

Admiral Ozawa arrives on the Orville, and has a plan for the captured Krill shuttle. She says the Union knows very little about the Krill, except that they're extremely religious, and attack human colonies because they see it as their divine right. She says they need to understand the Krill better in order to have a lasting peace, and the only way to do that is to obtain a copy of the Ancana— the Krill bible.

Union intelligence believes every Krill ship has at least one Ancana on board, and Ozawa wants one. She orders Mercer and Gordon to take the stolen shuttle, use it to infiltrate a Krill ship and steal a bible. Mercer's less than enthusiastic about this insane plan, but agrees.

The crew preps the Krill ship in the shuttle bay. Suddenly a Krill soldier enters, holding a gun to Mercer's head. The crew tries to diffuse the tense situation, but the Krill starts laughing and suddenly morphs into Gordon. Mercer explains that Isaac helped develop sophisticated holographic projectors to disguise them as Krill. The projectors will even fool the Krill sensors.

Kelly tells Mercer and Gordon to be careful. They take off in the shuttle and head for the nearest Krill ship. On the way, Mercer reads up on the enemy race. He says the Krill Homeworld is surrounded by thick clouds that obscure 96% of their sun's light, meaning the planet's shrouded in perpetual darkness. Plot Point!

They dock with the Krill ship Y'kar, and are met by Captain Haros and High Priest Sazeron. Mercer and Gordon can't think of suitable Krill names, so they introduce themselves as "Chris" and "Devon."

Sazeron is instantly suspicious, wondering how they survived when everyone else onboard the ship was killed. Just then a bell sounds, and Sazeron says it's time for services. Mercer and Gordon follow everyone into a chapel, where they sit next to a female Krill named Telaya. She introduces herself, and says her brother was on the Kakov, the ship the Orville destroyed. This makes Mercer uncomfortable, as he realizes his actions had very real consequences for the Krill.

Sazeron leads the service, praying to Avis (yeah, Avis), the Krill god. As part of the service, Sazeron holds up the head of a human captured in a raid, saying the man believed he was entitled to the resources of his colony world. Sazeron says the human was not touched by Avis' divine hand, and is therefore unworthy. He then stabs the head a dozen times or so, horrifying Mercer and Gordon. Mercer spots a copy of the Ancana on the altar.

After services, Mercer and Gordon sneak into the chapel. Mercer starts photographing every page of the Ancana, which is easily a foot thick. Suddenly Sazeron enters and catches them. They make a lame excuse and leave. Sazeron eyes them suspiciously.

Sazeron asks Haros to post a guard on the chapel, saying he doesn't trust "Chris" and "Devon." Haros agrees, and orders a guard. Mercer and Gordon sneak back into the chapel and finish copying the book (I guess?). While they're doing so, their holographic generators glitch and stop working, causing them to revert to their true forms. Uh-oh.

Just then a guard enters the chapel and snoops around. Mercer and Gordon somehow elude him and run back to their quarters, where they fix their holo-disguises. Mercer says their holograms were disrupted by a massive power source two decks below, and of course they decide to investigate.

They track the power source and discover the Krill are building a massive neutron bomb. Mercer invites Telaya to dinner to pump her for more info. She claims that anything not Krill doesn't have a soul, and they'll be carrying out the will of Avis when they use the bomb to kill the human colony of Rana III.

Gordon wants to leave immediately and warn the Union, as they've completed their mission and apparently copied the 50,000 page Ancana. Mercer says the mission's changed, as they need to sabotage the bomb while they're already here. He theorizes they could board their shuttle, then use their holo-emitters to remotely detonate the bomb inside the Krill ship. Gordon uncharacteristically points out that they came here to try and make peace, but now they're talking about killing everyone on board. Mercer says there's no alternative.

On their way to look for tools, they're approached by Telaya, who wants them to speak to the class she teaches. They reluctantly agree, and enter the classroom full of Krill child trainees. One asks Mercer how many humans he's killed, while another wants to know why the Union doesn't believe in Avis. Telaya reminds the kids that humans have no souls.

Back in their quarters, Mercer's unnerved by the incident, and tells Gordon that colony or no colony, he's not blowing up a ship full of kids. Just then, Coja, one of Telaya's students, enters and starts asking questions. He wants to know where humans are from and why they don't look like Krill. Mercer explains that it's perpetually dark on Krill, hence their pale skin, while on Earth the sun's UV rays cause some humans to be darker. This spurs the old "Random Comment Inspires A Brilliant Idea" cliche, and Mercer tells Coja to get the hell out. See?

Mercer asks Gordon if it's possible to turn up the lights inside the ship and amplify the UV spectrum. Gordon says yes, even thought there's no way he could possibly know how the internal mechanisms of an alien ship would work. Gordon says that would fry the Krill, who are basically "space vampires," while he and Mercer would just get a bad sunburn. Told you that was a Plot Point! 

Gordon brings up the matter of the kids, and Mercer says they could round them all up in the classroom and blow out the lights inside, saving them. Gordon sets up the overload, and activates a ten minute countdown. Unfortunately he's then captured by Sazeron, who confiscates his holo-emiter. He shuts it off, revealing Gordon's humanity, and takes him to the Captain. Mercer returns to the classroom and sees Coja's missing. Just then an intruder alarm sounds. Mercer begs Telaya to keep the kids inside the classroom, and runs off to look for Coja.

Mercer runs through the corridors, pursued by Krill soldiers. On the bridge, Haros questions Gordon, who claims they're on a mission of peace. Haros doesn't believe him, and stabs Gordon in the leg— the same leg he had regenerated just last week.

Just then the ship arrives at Rana III, and Haros launches the bomb. Mercer finds Coja and returns him to the classroom, just as the lights flare up. All over the ship, the Krill collapse as they're burned alive and killed. I guess when Gordon said they'd be "fried," he wasn't kidding!

Gordon sees the bomb heading for Rana III. Luckily he knows how to fire a torpedo on an alien ship, and destroys the bomb at the last second.

Cut to the Orville towing the Krill Destroyer back to the Union. Mercer meets with Telaya before she's taken to the brig. He tells her the children will be returned to their families on Krill, and promises she won't be harmed. She says she finds that hard to believe, since he just murdered her entire crew. Mercer says their mission was one of peace, but the Krill were planning on wiping out Rana III, leaving him with no choice.

Telaya asks Mercer why he saved the Krill children. He says because they're just kids with their whole lives ahead of them. He says they're not his enemy. Telaya ominously says after they saw what he did, they will be. 

Thoughts:
• A short little disclaimer here before we start. I wasn't all that impressed with The Orville at first, but I quickly grew to like it over the past month or so. I liked this week's episode a lot as well, even though I'm about to rip it a new one. That's because it's entirely possible to like something while simultaneously pointing out its flaws. I can enjoy the episode while admitting it's far from perfect. OK, on with the review!

• When the crew finds out Bortus can eat anything, they have a field day offering him various items. Gordon runs to the replicator, er, I mean the synthesizer and asks it to materialize "one cactus plant." Woah, wait a minute... that means the Orville's synthesizers can create life!

This opens up a HUGE can of worms, one I don't think the writer quite thought through. Conjuring up a bowl of cereal or even a cooked sirloin steak is one thing. Creating a living cactus plant is quite another! And that's just what happened. No one would ever ask for a dead, simulated cactus— they'd want a real, living, growing one!

If the synthesizers can indeed create life, then the people in the 25th Century can keep their pets forever. I'm assuming it works by scanning an item and storing it in its memory, so it can create a copy later. So when you first get a dog or cat, just stick it in the synthesizer and scan it. When the pet inevitably dies, all you have to do is order up another one! Sure, its memories would be a few years out of date, but hey, you'd still have Mr. Barkers back!

Why stop with pets? Build a bigger synthesizer and scan your kids! If one dies, just make a new copy! You could even scan yourself and live forever (sort of— a copy of you could live on long after you were gone).

As I said, I think the cactus thing slipped under everyone's radar, and they didn't quite think through the implications.

• Alara hands Bortus a drinking glass to see if he can eat it. He picks it up and delicately takes a big bite out of it, chewing the glass shards and swallowing them.

Sorry, Orville SFX Guys, but that had to be the WORST LOOKING fake glass I've ever seen. It didn't even look like a glass— it looked like it was make out of sugar or something.

• When the Orville encounters the Krill Battle Cruiser, Mercer orders Alara to hail them and immediately starts addressing the ship. Alara sheepishly stops him, admitting she's not opened haling frequencies yet!

OK, the joke was kind of out of place in what was a serious situation, but it was still pretty funny. It took a decades-old sci-fi convention— one we saw over and over on every Trek series— and turned it right on its ear. I guess Alara's just not as quick at opening frequencies as Uhura or Worf!

• Once again I gotta point out that although the Orville certainly looks cool, it's a terribly, terribly designed ship. Near the beginning of the episode, Bortus fires all torpedoes at the pursuing Krill Battle Cruiser.

Note that the rear torpedo tubes are on each side of the main (only?) shuttle bay. That means the torpedoes have to fly between the three engine rings in order to hit their target! 

Jesus Christ! Surely there's a better spot for the launchers— one that doesn't risk blowing up the goddamned ship every time they're used!

• This week we get our first ever look at a Union ship besides the Orville. Admiral Ozawa arrives on the Olympia, which must be some sort of heavy cruiser. It has the same basic layout as the Orville (complete with three engine rings), but is much, much larger.

• Not a nitpick, just an observation: Do you think it just might be possible that the Orville's Ten Forward, er, I mean crew lounge is a redress of the corridor set seen in this episode?

This isn't something unique to The Orville, as all the various Star Trek series constantly reused their sets over the years. Heck, it's not just Trek— ALL shows have done this at one time or another. Sets are expensive and time consuming to build, so it makes sense to repurpose them whenever possible.

• Gordon holographically disguises himself as a Krill and enters the shuttlebay, pretending he's holding Mercer captive. He completely fools the crew, causing him to double over with laughter. I've listened to Gordon's next line twenty times, and it sound for all the world like he says, "Oh man, your faces were f*cking priceless!" I'm sure the censors didn't actually let that slip through, but boy does it sure sound like it. Maybe he said "freakin."

On the other hand, over on Star Trek: Discovery this week, they actually DID drop the F-bomb for the first time in the fifty one year history of the franchise. In fact they did it twice. Sigh... Congratulations, CBS! You finally figured out what was missing from the Star Trek formula. It's not well-written scripts, likable characters or complex moral dilemmas— it's profanity, and lots of it!

• After boarding the Krill ship, Mercer and Gordon introduce themselves as "Chris" and "Devon." I'm betting the "Chris" alias was an obvious Family Guy reference.

• The Krill in this episode all have slightly different features such as chin horns and cheek ridges, which makes it easier to tell them apart. 

The makeup's done by KNB EFX Group, which is apparently taking cues from Michael Westmore, who created alien prosthetics for all the modern Trek series. Westmore did the same thing with the Klingons, giving each of them all subtly different forehead ridges.

• James Horan plays Sazeron, the Krill High Priest. Horan's name should be familiar to fans of modern Trek, as he's guest-starred on ST:TNG, DS9, Voyager and Enterprise.

• The look of the Krill makeup seems to have been tweaked slightly since the pilot (just like Alara's look). When we first saw them they appeared to have solid black eyes with glowing white pupils. It was a cool effect, and made the Krill look even more alien.

For some reason, all the Krill in this episode have plain old solid black eyes. So what happened to the white pupils? I have a feeling that was probably a CGI effect and turned out to be too expensive to use in the long run, so... solid black eyes it is. Too bad, as I really liked the white pupil look.

One last thing about eyeballs. The holographic Krill versions of Mercer and Gordon, er, I mean "Chris" and "Devon" have distinctly human-looking eyes. Luckily for the two of them the other Krill either didn't notice this physical anomaly or were too polite to mention it.

I'm assuming the makeup team left their eyes alone to help the audience recognize which Krill were Mercer and Gordon.

• How's this for some really hardcore nitpicking? Mercer and Gordon use holographic projectors to disguise themselves as Krill soldiers, right? But when Mercer's talking to Captain Haros, he tries to cross his arms and can't, as his thick Krill gauntlets get in the way. 

Wha...? I thought the holograms were just images projected around their bodies. Apparently they're somehow solid. They'd have to have some kind of substance, or else Mercer would be able to cross his arms, and it would probably look like his gauntlets were melding into one another. 

Told you it was hardcore!

• It was certainly lucky for Mercer and Gordon that the Krill speak perfect, unaccented English, and their alien computer systems and ship controls are all instantly understandable!

OK, the "Aliens Speaking English" thing is something we're just all going to have to accept and ignore. It's happened in every Trek series ever aired, and every attempt to explain how everyone's understanding everybody else always ends up making things worse. So I'm willing to give 'em this one.

The Krill computers and screens are a different matter though...

Apparently Mercer has absolutely no trouble reading and comprehending this page from the Ancana.

Or this Krill control panel.

I suppose I could be really generous here and propose the idea that the holographic projectors that Isaac whipped up for Mercer and Gordon also automatically translate spoken and written Krillish into English and vice-versa. After all, it's a sci-fi show with advanced tech.

Of course none of that can explain this. When Gordon rigs up a timer to crank up the lights in the Krill ship, for some reason it uses Earthly Arabic numbers.

As I said, this is something we all just need to accept and forget about so we can get on with the story.

• Some more hardcore nitpicking: Coja, a curious Krill kid, asks Mercer where humans come from. Gordon then points to a bright star outside the window. He says if Coja used a very powerful telescope and looked just to the left of it, he'd see Earth's star.

That's some pretty good star charting there by Gordon. The Krill ship is probably many, many, MANY light years from Earth, meaning all the familiar constellations are likely going to look completely different from what Gordon's used to. That means he's somehow calculated his position in the galaxy and figured out where Earth is, even though he's too far away to see it. I guess he really IS the best pilot in the galaxy!

By the way Gordon, it might not be a good idea to tell a member of an enemy race that hates all other life forms how to find your home planet. Just saying.

I wonder if that seemingly innocent little scene was a bit of foreshadowing, and will come back to bite the Orville crew in the ass?

• Mercer mentions that in their first encounter with the Krill, the aliens never took their helmets off outside in sunlight, and theorizes they may be highly susceptible to UV rays.

I went back and checked the pilot episode, and by god he's right. They take their helmets off inside the science lab, and one appears helmetless in the Orville's shuttle, but when they're outside those helmets stay on the entire time. Either way, well done!

I don't know if the Krill's aversion to sunlight was planned from the beginning, or if the writer of this episode got lucky and it just happened to work out perfectly for him.

• One last bit of hardcore nitpicking before I stop. Mercer gets the bright (heh) idea to crank up the lights inside the Krill ship, which will bathe it in UV light and "fry" the Krill.

Um... why in the name of sanity is that even possible? If you were a race that had a deadly aversion to sunlight, WHY THE HELL WOULD YOU EVER INSTALL UV LIGHTING INSIDE YOUR SHIP? It's like being allergic to bee venom and then wearing a hive on your head.

By the way, when Gordon said the increased UV lighting would "fry" the Krill, I assumed he meant it would cause them intense discomfort and incapacitate them. Nope! He literally meant FRY. As in cook until dead.

• Now that (almost) everyone on the Y'kar is dead, I guess Mercer can just pick up the real Ankana and hand it over to Admiral Ozawa. 

I'm kind of wondering how the Admiral's gonna react to Mercer's actions here. He wiped out an entire ship full of Krill on what was ostensibly a mission of peace. Yes, he did so to save the Rana III colony, but still... This incident probably isn't going to help the peace process.

• This Week's Incongruous 21st Century (And Earlier!) References:
There were only a couple I spotted in this episode. The biggest one of course is Avis, which is not only a 20th Century car rental company but the name of the Krill god as well. Somehow Gordon has not only heard of Avis but is intimately familiar with their marketing slogan as well! Impressive! Maybe Avis is still around in 2419 and rents flying cars?

On their way to infiltrate the Krill ship, Gordon listens to The Midnight Special by Credence Clearwater Revival.

• THIS WEEK'S JAW-DROPPING STAR TREK SWIPES THAT MAKE ME WONDER HOW LONG IT'LL BE BEFORE CBS SUES THE PANTS OFF OF FOX:
The Orville has a fire suppression system, just like the Enterprise-D did. Unfortunately the Orville's catches fire! Com-O-Dee!

Ever since the Krill appeared in the pilot they seemed familiar, but I could never quite figure out why. This week it finally dawned on me— they look amazingly like the Jem'Hadar from Star Trek: Deep Space Nine. The Jem'Hadar were cloned soldiers grown by the Founders, a civilization of shape-shifting aliens from the Gamma Quadrant.

The idea of crew members going undercover as members of an enemy race is nothing new, and was done many times in the various Trek series over the years. Captain Kirk was altered to look like a Romulan in The Enterprise Incident. Picard and Data did the same in Unification Part I. Counselor Troi also masqueraded as a Romulan in Face Of The Enemy. Commander Riker and Troi posed as Mintakans in Who Watches The Watchers. Riker disguised himself as a Malcorian in First Contact (the TV episode, not the theatrical movie). Worf and his human brother disguised themselves as a Boraalians in Homeward. Over on DS9, Major Kira posed as a Cardassian in Second Skin. There are probably many other instances, but those are the ones I can come up with off the top of my head.

The Orville Season 1, Episode 5: Pria

Welp, it's official— I'm now a fan of The Orville. I didn't much care for it at first, as the series' bizarre "Is It A Comedy Or A Drama?" tone was weird and off-putting. But now that I've had a chance to get used to it, I'm really enjoying the show.

This week's episode was written by Seth MacFarlane of course, and directed by Jonathan Frakes. Yep, that Jonathan Frakes, aka Commander Will Riker of Star Trek: The Next Generation fame. Frakes directed various episodes of ST:TNG, Deep Space Nine and Voyager, as well as the Trek theatrical movies First Contact and Insurrection. So he's the perfect choice to direct a similar show such as The Orville.

MacFarlane turned in a surprisingly well-written episode this week, one that takes yet another well-worn sci-fi trope and gives it a unique spin. This time it's the old "Guest Star Who Turns Out To Be A Villain In Disguise And Takes Over The Ship" plot, that we saw many, many times on the various Trek series.

The first season of a series is usually the shakiest, as it generally takes the actors and crew many weeks to figure things out and hit their stride. I'm impressed that The Orville seems to have found its groove after just a couple of episodes. Kudos to MacFarlane, I guess, although the fact that he patterned the show so closely on ST:TNG might have had something to do with it gelling so quickly.

The only downside of the episode was the wonky temporal paradox at the end, which made absolutely no sense. But few time travel stories ever do, so I'm willing to give 'em this one.

Nice guest appearance by Oscar® winner Charlize Theron, who rarely if ever graces the TV screen. No doubt she and MacFarlane are fast friends after filming A Million Ways To Die In The West. As I said last week, at least something good came out of that dreadful film.

SPOILER WARNING! DO NOT PROCEED UNTIL YOU SEE THE EPISODE! I HIGHLY RECOMMEND WATCHING THE EPISODE FIRST!

The Plot:
Apparently all's quiet in space, as the Orville crew watches The Junior Mint episode of Seinfeld on the main viewscreen. Isaac doesn't understand why the episode is funny, as it involves laughing at another's pain. Mercer tries to explain humor to him, but fails miserably. Gordon promises to teach Isaac about humor by playing a practical joke on him when he least expects it.

Just then the ship receives a distress call, and investigates. They discover a small mining ship has crash-landed on a comet that's being pulled into a massive star. The pilot appears on the viewscreen and identifies herself as Captain Pria Levesque, a beautiful blonde human woman.

Mercer assures Pria they'll do everything they can to save her. He, Gordon and Alara board a shuttle and fly off to rescue her. They manage to land on the comet, enter the ship, retrieve Pria and blast off the comet seconds before it disintegrates. Unfortunately the shuttle's caught in the star's gravitational field. Luckily the Orville uses its tractor beam to pull it to safety.

Back on the ship, Pria says she works for the Vega Mining Consortium, and her ship was attacked by a Krill Battle Cruiser. She managed to outrun it, but it drained her power and she crashed on the comet's surface. She thanks Mercer, saying she'd have died without his help. Pria says she could use a drink, and Mercer invites her to a cocktail party he's hosting for the senior officers later. A slight look of disapproval crosses Kelly's face.

A bit later, Isaac takes his station on the bridge, unaware that his head is covered with oversized Mr. Potato Head pieces, courtesy of Gordon. Naturally Isaac doesn't understand why this is funny. Gordon then says it's Isaac's turn to retaliate, which seems like a bad, bad idea. Isaac says he'll do his best.

At the party, Mercer discovers Pria grew up in Massachusetts, just like him, which seems suspicious to everyone but him. The two hit it off quite well, much to Kelly's chagrin. After the party's over, Pria enters Mercer's quarters alone and shamelessly flirts with him. She gives him a goodnight kiss and leaves.

The next day a suspicious Kelly does a google search for Pria, and finds there's no record of her in the Vega Mining Consortium. She reports her findings to Mercer, who brushes off her concerns, saying that mining companies typically keep spotty records.

Kelly then talks Alara into helping her search Pria's quarters. Not sure why she couldn't just do it herself, but there you go. They enter her room and snoop around, and Alara finds an odd metal bar under Pria's bed. Kelly tries scanning the bar, but it's impenetrable. Just then Pria returns to her quarters, and the two officers make a lame excuse and quickly scram.

Kelly and Alara report the metallic object to Mercer. He's enraged that they went behind his back and searched a guest's quarters without probable cause. Kelly says she doesn't think he's being objective about Pria, as he's blinded by her good looks and charm. She believes his lack of judgement is endangering the ship.

Just then the Orville's rocked by an unknown force, as something invisible is pounding the ship. Isaac says he believes it's a "concentrated dark matter storm," whatever that is. Pria wanders onto the bridge (which apparently has some pretty lax security) and says she can help. She tells them to flood the area with neutralized axion particles (ah, good old technobabble!). Isaac does so, and instantly they can see thousands of dark matter "bubbles" surrounding the ship.

Gordon (who you'll remember from previous episodes is "the best pilot in the galaxy") tries to fly the ship out of the storm, but is in over his head. Pria tells Mercer she's navigated a dark matter storm before, and can get them out. Kelly objects, but Mercer gives her helm control. She takes control of the ship and executes a series of fancy maneuvers, skillfully piloting them into the clear.

Unfortunately the storm completely knocked out the ship's communication array, cutting them off from the rest of the galaxy. Gosh, that's not suspicious at all! Mercer says they'll have to put in for repairs at Outpost 49, which is five days away. Pria says there's a Consortium Base just one day away, and they could repair the ship there. Again, suspicious! Mercer agrees and Pria gives John the coordinates.

Later Mercer and Pria go sightseeing the holodeck, er, I mean the "environmental simulator." They end up sleeping together later that night, as Mercer falls even harder for her.

The next morning, Gordon gets out of bed and promptly falls on his ass. He looks down and is horrified to see his left leg has been amputated above the knee. He hops to the bridge and accuses Isaac of cutting off his leg. Isaac emits a mechanical laugh and says it was his attempt at a practical joke. He points out that Gordon told him it was his turn to retaliate, and to do it when he least expected it. Mercer orders Gordon to sickbay to have Doctor Finn regenerate his leg.

Just then Chief Newton calls Mercer and Kelly to the engine room. He shows them a strange metallic object that's fused to the engine controls and can't be removed. Kelly says it's the same device she and Alara found in Pria's quarters. Mercer finally realizes Kelly was right about Pria all along.

They confront Pria in her quarters, and demand to know who she really is and what's going on. She realizes it's time to fess up, and says tells them she's from the 29th Century (four hundred years in their future). She says the Orville was supposed to be destroyed in the dark matter storm, and she came from the future to prevent that. Kelly doesn't believe Pria would travel through time just to save them. Pria says she didn't— she's only interested in the ship.

Just then Pria remotely activates the metallic device, and the Orville changes course. She tells them she's a dealer in ancient artifacts. She travels to a specific period to find ships like the Orville that are destined to be destroyed. She then saves the ship, takes it to the future and sells it to a collector for a handsome profit. By only targeting doomed ships, she doesn't risk altering the timeline. Kelly asks what happens to the crews of those ships, and she says they're free to live out their lives in the 29th Century. Um... that can't be good.

Mercer asks about her crashed ship on the comet, and she says it was all part of the act, to get them to trust her. She also knocked out their communication system so they couldn't radio for help. Kelly asks how she travels through time, and Pria says she uses a stable wormhole that people in the collecting business have learned to manipulate. That's where the Orville's headed. Mercer posts a guard on Pria's quarters (now that it's way too late).

Mercer apologizes to Kelly for not listening to her, and says he has an idea. In Engineering, Chief Newton uses an old school diamond-tipped drill to bore a hole in the metallic device. Isaac then inserts his metallic tendrils into the device, attempting to override it. It zaps him with a lethal blast of energy, knocking him across the room and "killing" him.

The ship approaches the wormhole, and Pria teleports to the bridge. Mercer says there are three hundred people on board with lives in this century, and begs her to let them go. She says she can't— they're technically all dead, and if they stay in the 25th Century, they'll massively alter the timeline.

Pria takes the Orville through the wormhole and into the 29th Century, where they're met by a Benzian ship. Pria and the Benzian buyer then haggle over a price for the Orville. Meanwhile, Mercer gets a message on his monitor that reads, "Would you like a Junior Mint, Captain?"

Mercer jumps to Gordon's station and restores helm control. Gordon turns the ship around and heads back through the wormhole, while Kelly beats the tar out of Pria. Once they're through, Alara takes Pria to the brig. Isaac then reveals that his "death" was all an act for Pria's benefit, as he transferred his consciousness into the ship so he could override the metallic device. He thought the Junior Mint comment would be funny, indicating maybe he's finally starting to understand humor.

Mercer meets with Pria in his office. He says Isaac believes if they destroy the wormhole, then they cement this new timeline in which the Orville survives, and that Pria will have no reason to ever travel back from the future. This makes absolutely zero sense, but let's just go with it. She reminds him this would also mean they'll never meet and spend the night together. He orders the ship to fire, and the wormhole is destroyed. Pria fades away before his eyes.

Thoughts:
• For the third time in five episodes, Mercer asks Alara to bust through a door by saying, "You wanna open this jar of pickles?" It was funny the first time, but it's becoming kind of cringe-worthy now. He needs a new metaphor, stat. I dunno why this is bugging me so much, but it is.

• Pria goes through a wide array of costume changes during the episode, strutting around in a different outfit in virtually every scene. When she first boards the ship, she's wearing a black and red number that looks a LOT like the command uniforms on ST:TNG. Coincidence, or not-so-subtle little reference?

• There's a very cool shot in this episode in which the camera zooms in closer and closer to the Orville, until we can finally see in the windows of the ship! 

As the camera pans across the hull, we see into three distinct rooms before it settles on the cocktail party in the Captain's quarters. The first room looks like it's empty, while the second features two men talking or maybe eating at a table. In the third window we see what appears to be a man stuffing something into a black bag (?). Actually it's tough to tell just what he's supposed to be doing. Maybe he's a janitor? Or is he getting rid of the evidence?

• At the cocktail party, Mercer says he was born in Boxford, Massachusetts. That's such a random and obscure bit of info that I assumed it's where Seth MacFarlane was born. Nope! I checked and he was born in Kent, Connecticut.

• Also at the party we get to see the crew in their civilian attire for the first time. Note that Doctor Finn is wearing a little green number, presumably to match the ever-present emerald streak in her hair. Note that her duty uniform is green as well. Does she insist on always wearing green so her clothes don't clash with her hair?

• This week we find out that the Orville's engines have a "Dysonian powered quantum drive system capable of speeds exceeding ten light years per hour." Wow, that's much more specific than the somewhat vague warp factors of the various Star Trek ships.

Surprisingly, 10 LPH is also much, much faster than the Enterprise-D can fly. According to various ST:TNG reference sites, at Warp 5 the ship travels just 1.075 light years in a 24 hour period!

• Chief Engineer Newton makes his second appearance on the show this week. I get the feeling he's probably going to be a secondary character, one we don't see every week. That's quite a difference from ST:TNG, where Chief Engineer Geordi LaForge was constantly spouting technobabble about the ship's faulty engines every week.

Actually in Season 1 of TNG there was were several different Chief Engineer characters, who only showed up occasionally. It wasn't until Season 2 that Geordi was promoted to Engineering. I wonder if The Orville will follow this same pattern?

• In this week's B-plot, Isaac knocks out Gordon and amputates his left leg as a practical joke (!). We then see an angry Gordon hopping around, and his leg appears to have been removed just above the knee.

Later his missing leg falls out of a ceiling panel in Pria's quarters and plops onto a table. For some reason the leg is now wayyyyy longer than it should be, looking like it was removed at the hip! I'm betting the prop department made the leg first, and the CGI department didn't get the memo on just where they should paint out Gordon's leg.

One last thing about Gordon and his leg. After Isaac amputated it, he hid it somewhere on the ship so Gordon would have to hop around looking for it, which he said would increase the humor. So... did Isaac inject the leg with some sort of futuristic preservation chemical? If not, then it would be dead, decaying and way past the reattachment window. Good thing they have the technology to regenerate limbs!

• There's some wonky comedy pacing going on in the scene where Pria seduces Mercer. When she kisses him he pulls away, saying, "I actually got out of a rough marriage not too long ago. So I... I think maybe we should take this slow." Jump cut to Mercer and Pria in bed together, as he leans back and quips, "Or not."

Its a funny little scene due to the unexpected editing, but it's hopelessly unrealistic. Think about how this would play out in reality. Mercer and Pria are sitting in the holodeck, er, I mean the Environmental Simulator, and he says he thinks they should take it slow. They then probably talked for a while longer, eventually got up, walked to his cabin, kissed for a while, disrobed and then eventually had sex. And THEN he leans back and says, "Or not." 

See what I mean? In reality an hour or two probably went by before he finished his sentence.

This is an old, old trope that pops up a lot in TV and movies.

• It was nice to see some truly alien looking aliens for a change, instead of the usual humanoids with wrinkly foreheads.

• The biggest question I have about this week's episode— was Isaac's fourth quarter play part of Mercer's plan? I've watched that part of the episode several times now, and I'm still not sure.

To recap, after Mercer admits he was wrong about Pria, he says he "might" have an idea. Jump cut to Engineering, where he tries to blast a hole in the control device with a phaser, er, whatever they call their guns on this show. The beam ricochets dangerously off the device. The Chief then bores a hole into it with an old school drill, and Isaac extends his electronic tendrils into the device. It zaps him with a powerful burst of energy, throwing him across the room and "killing" him. Pria then takes the ship through the wormhole and into the future. Isaac then sends a cryptic text to Mercer, indicating he's alive and well in the computer and has deactivated the device. Mercer than regains control of his ship. Got all that?

So many questions! Was Mercer's "idea" just to try and blast the device? I don't think so, as that wouldn't be much of a plan. It would also be extremely dangerous, as he was basically shooting at the ship's engine! Not good!

Plus if that's all he had in mind, why was Isaac there watching? There'd be no reason for him to be in Engineering unless he was part of a larger plan.

But then why stage Isaac's phony death? Was that for Pria's benefit, so she wouldn't figure out what they were really doing? That would make sense, IF she'd been standing there watching them! But she was confined to her quarters and nowhere near engineering, so there'd be no reason for their little act.

On the other hand, if Isaac was in on the plan, why would he wait until Pria took them to the future to take control of the ship? To make it more dramatic? Why not immediately restore control the minute he uploaded himself and avoid a dangerous trip through the wormhole?

If Isaac's trick wasn't part of the plan, then Mercer's not as clueless as he seems. He figured out that Isaac was alive and well and living inside the computer in the space of a second— and worked it out just from the message, "Would you like a junior mint, Captain?" Impressive!

I think Mercer's plan actually did involve integrating Isaac into the computer. After Pria's taken to the brig, Isaac says his algorithms were successfully transferred to the computer before the energy blast, which sure sounds like a deliberate action to me.

See? I'm still not clear on whether Isaac's role in the plan was intentional or not. If so, then it wasn't made clear and needed to be clarified.

• Once Mercer regains control of the ship, Kelly starts punching Pria, who she says she'd expect a sucker punch from a woman who cheats on her husband. An angry Kelly turns to Mercer and says, "You told her about that?" Mercer lies and says no, claiming Pria knows about it because she's from the future. Kelly thinks a second and then says, "But it's in the past."

Wha...? That... that doesn't make any sense. Why wouldn't Pria know everything about the Orville and its crew? It's all ancient history to her. Does Seth MacFarlane not understand how time travel works, or am I missing some very subtle bit of logic here?

• After Pria's captured, Mercer examines the teleportation device they found on her. She angrily says he probably can't wait to crack it open and see how it works, so the Union can have teleporation technology. Mercer says no, as he and his people have no interest in altering the timeline. He puts the device in his desk drawer for safe keeping.

How long do you think it'll be before we see this device again? In the season finale, maybe? It's definitely gonna come back somehow, or else Mercer would have destroyed it.

On the other hand, maybe the Orville crew will take a page from all the Trek shows and conveniently forget that they can now figure out teleportation. There’ve been dozens of Trek episodes over the years in which a piece of amazing new alien tech was discovered and then ignored.

• As with most time travel stories, the temporal physics in this episode don't make a lick of sense. OK, so Pria is a temporal antiquities dealer. She regularly uses a wormhole to travel to the past, where she steals ships or other objects and takes them back to the future, where she sells them to collectors. By only taking items that were doomed to be destroyed, she avoids altering the timeline.

So far, so good. That part makes sense.
However, at the end of the episode, Mercer meets with Pria one last time and discusses the wormhole she used to time travel. Here's what they say:

Mercer: "According to Isaac, as long as the wormhole exists, the quantum potentiality is open. Many sets of future events are possible, but, if we destroy it, we choose a path. There's no chance of us returning to your future, and the Orville goes on to live its life. Which means that Pria Levesque will have no reason to come back into our past."
Pria: "And you and I will never have met."
Mercer then destroys the wormhole and Pria fades away as if she'd never been there.

W... wait a minute. OK, so the Orville was supposed to be destroyed in the dark matter storm. Got it. But Pria came back in time and saved it for business purposes. Got that too. But then destroying the wormhole means she never traveled to the Orville's present, and she disappears. And somehow Mercer still remembers her after she's gone, hence his wistful expression as he stares at his empty office. Yeah, no. None of that makes any sense.

Even worse, if she now never came back in time, wouldn't that mean she doesn't save the ship? I don't see any way that scenario doesn't result in the Orville immediately winking out of existence.

Honestly I can't tell if MarFarlane wrote himself into a corner here and needed an out, no matter how nonsensical it was, or if the ending was a very subtle little comment on how time travel stories never make any logical sense.

• This has nothing to do with the episode, but it's something I've been noticing in sci-fi movies and TV shows the past few months. Whenever there's a CGI spaceship or creature or something flying past the camera, there are always a series of faint white dots that appear briefly on the screen whenever there's a bright light source. You can see a couple of them here in this screencap, just above the word "Executive."

They're not annoying JJ Abrams-type lens flares— instead I think they're supposed to look like the camera lens is dirty. I think this is meant to make the shot seem more realistic. After all, they'd be crazy to add fake lens schmutz in a CGI shot, right? That means they had to have filmed an actual spaceship with a real camera!

It's a very subtle, almost subliminal effect, and it honestly does work. And now that you know about it, you're gonna see it everywhere like I do, and you'll never be able to unsee it.

• This Week's Incongruous 21st Century (And Earlier!) References:
People still watch and understand Seinfeld in the 2419. Eh, we still watch, read and perform Shakespearean plays, and they're four hundred years old, so I guess it's not out of the question (not that I'm comparing Seinfeld to Shakespeare quality-wise, mind you!).

Mr. Potato Head is still around as well.

The phrase, "Go to hell" is still used in the 25th Century, but is apparently unknownt by the 29th.

Fist bumps are apparently still a thing in the 2419 too.

For the past few weeks now I've been giving the show crap for including all these anachronisms. As unlikely as it would actually be, the idea's starting to grow on me. Having the Orville crew speak and act in a contemporary manner makes them seem more human and relatable 

Compare this to ST:TNG, which attempted to show us how people would really act in the future. Sure, that might have been more realistic, but it make the Enterprise-D crew come off as sterile, dull and robotic.

• THIS WEEK'S JAW-DROPPING STAR TREK SWIPES THAT MAKE ME WONDER HOW LONG IT'LL BE BEFORE CBS SUES THE PANTS OFF OF FOX:
This week we learn that the Orville's holodeck is called an "environmental simulator." They can slap any name they want on it, but it's still the goddamned holodeck in every measurable sense.

Pria bears a slight resemblance to the ST:TNG episode A Matter Of Time. In that story, a professor named Berlingoff Rasmussen travels from the 26th Century to the 24th, to study the Enterprise-D and its crew. During his interviews, he covertly steals several items of 24th Century technology. Eventually the crew discover that Rasmussen is actually a disgruntled inventor from the 22nd Century. He encountered a 26th Century time traveler, stole his temporal ship and now regularly travels to the future. He then steals future technology and takes it back to the past where he pretends to "invent" it and reap enormous profits. Captain Picard arrests Rasmussen, and the time pod is automatically recalled to the future.

Pria is also somewhat similar to Vash, a character who popped up on ST:TNG and Deep Space Nine. Vash was an unscrupulous archaeologist who ransacked ancient sites and sold artifacts for profit. Despite her bad reputation, Captain Picard fell in love with her for a time.

Pria's scheme, in which she only steals ships that are destined to be destroyed, nears a slight resemblance to John Varley's Millennium, which was a short story, then a novel and ultimately a low budget scifi movie. In it, agents from the future rescued passengers of present-day planes that were about to crash, and took them to the future to repopulate a desolate Earth. The movie Freejack had a similar plot as well.

When the Benzian ship tries to lock a tractor beam onto the Orville, Mercer tells John to modulate the deflector frequency as fast as he can. This is exactly how the Enterprise-D would always avoid the Borg tractor beams on ST:TNG.