Fartnight

Was in Target recently, and saw this exclusive Taylor Swift book for sale there. 

Is it just me, or does it look like Taylor's proudly farting into her microphone on the cover? Yes. Yes it does.

I have a feeling she could release an entire album of nothing but her grunting and farting, and it'd still sell a couple million copies.

Everything Old Is New Again

Saw these shirts over at Target today, which I assume are part of their new winter line.

Thing is, I have these EXACT same two shirts in my closet right now. In fact they've been in there since... 2000? 2005 maybe?

Just goes to show that if you hang onto your old clothes long enough, they'll eventually come back in style!

The Kramer Collection

Saw these... odd-looking jackets for sale on a recent excursion to my nearby Target. They remind me of something, but I can't quite figure out what...

Ah, there it is. Apparently Target's now carrying selections from the Kramer Collection. They're loathsome and offensive garments, yet I can't look away.

In Stock

Yesterday I decided I needed a red flannel shirt, for reasons. I know from past experience not to waste time attempting to find something I want in a brick & mortar store in this town, so I turned to the internet for my shopping needs.

Target was a bust, as all they had were small sizes (I guess the normal, human sizes were snapped up at the beginning of winter).

I then turned to JCPenney, hoping for better luck there. Nope! Same thing. Plenty of red flannel shirts, but none anywhere close to the XL that I needed.

The news isn't all bad though. JCPenney may be all out of affordable winter clothing, but they are fully stocked with Star Trek: The Next Generation command-level uniforms! And it's about time, too! With its distinctive maroon division color, slim cut and padded shoulders, this uniform will definitely "Make It So" when it comes to fashion! It'll fit in perfectly in any office environment, from the board room to the break room! Engage!

Seriously. I couldn't find a goddamned flannel shirt in this joint, but they sell frakin' Star Trek uniforms. Is it any wonder their stock price is under a dollar a share?

Stick A Fork In It

I find it ironic that Target's currently charging $13 bucks for a Forky figure from Disney/Pixar's latest blockbuster Toy Story 4. An action figure made from a plastic utensil and common arts & crafts supplies. A toy one could easily make oneself for fifty cents.

Of course a homemade Forky wouldn't come with "Wacky Action," so there's that...

These Prices Won't Last Long!

Saw this at Target last night.

Just in time for Xmas! Get your copies of Kong: Skull Island for the low, low price of just $14.99. Originally $15! Hurry, this amazing sale won't last long!

Fast And Furry-ous

Went to my local Target last night to check out their Halloween decorations, and saw these.

It's hard to get a sense of scale from the photo, but those are adult-sized animal masks. They're also creepy as hell, especially the unicorn one with its unsettling, penetrating blue eyes.

Ah, Target. Serving the Furry community since 1962!

So far I only saw the heads. I dunno if they're gonna be carrying the rest of the costume or not.

He Has The Kevorka!

I was in Target last night and saw this:

Attention all Seinfeld cosplayers! Target is now selling Official Cosmo Kramer™ jackets, just like the one Michael Richards wore throughout the series' run!

Hurry on over to Target now and pick up your Kramer jacket for Halloween, or if you just want to be as successful with the ladies as Cosmo!

I'll be scanning Target in the coming months, anxiously awaiting the arrival of the Puffy Shirt, the Beltless Raincoat, the Urban Sombrero and the Cashmere Sweater With A Dot on it!

I Find Your Lack Of Faith... Refreshing

Last month I reviewed the dreadful new Power Rangers movie, saying that Lionsgate Studios took a fast-paced, colorful and exciting kids' show from the 1990s and turned it into a dull, dour, desaturated and overlong teen angst-fest that's completely devoid of any sense of fun.

Looks like I'm not the only one who was less than happy with the new movie. Apparently Fisher-Price agreed with me and thought it sucked as well. I was in Target last night and saw this action figure playset, based on the characters from the Mighty Morphin' Power Rangers show. 

Note that I looked all around on the shelf, and didn't see a single toy (from Fisher-Price at least) based on the movie. Ouch!

It's definitely a bad sign when a toy company would rather make figures from a twenty four year old TV show instead of ones from your brand new big budget Hollywood movie.

By the way, get a load of the massive meat hooks on that Rita Repulsa figure! She definitely ain't related to Emperor Trumpy!

Things I Would Tweet If I Tweeted: Light Saber

There's definitely something wrong with me.

If I see a Darth Vader Force FX Light Saber in a store for $150, I think, "Say, that's not a bad price." Yet if I'm in Target and see a vacuum cleaner selling for the same amount, I say, "Man, that's outrageous! Who'd pay that?"

The Votes Are In!

I went to my local Target last night and noticed they're now selling Election Day Greeting Cards. Wha…? What the hell are you supposed to do with those? 

I've always thought that sending cards on St. Patrick's Day, Halloween and Thanksgiving was a stretch, but Election Day? Sheesh! What a waste of recycled paper! It's not like it's a cherished holiday, or an occasion to spend time with family and friends. It's a day when you get to take a couple hours off from work and pretend to go vote for one of two candidates you can't stand.

And what the hell do they even say? "Thinking of you on this beloved and most holy of Election Days. And if you vote for the other guy you're dead to me."

I can't wait to get one of these from someone so it can go straight from the mailbox to the trash can.

The only reason I can come up with for the existence of Election Day cards is monetary. Hallmark probably noticed a sharp drop in sales in early November, and rushed these cards into stores, hoping to trick a few gullible consumers into thinking it's an occasion for sending out a card.

Overheard In Public: Blood

For the most part I'm a pretty quiet person, speaking aloud as little as possible and minding my own business as much as I can. I expect nothing less from the rest of the world, but unfortunately the majority of the population doesn't subscribe to my credo. Sometimes there's just no way to avoid Overhearing Things In Public.

The following is 100% true.

I was walking though my local Target store yesterday, trying to find a watch battery. As I passed the Electronics Department, the clerk there pulled out her walkie-talkie and I overheard her say, "I need a clean up in the Electronics Department. Clean up in the Electronics Department, please. There's blood on the counter in the Electronics Department. Repeat, blood on the counter."

Jesus Christ! Now that's something you don't hear every day! What the hell's going on in that department? We're four months out from Black Friday. There's not supposed to be bloodshed until the day after Thanksgiving!

Wotta Waste!

Here's one last Halloween post before I stop talking about it until next year. Last week I was strolling through my local Target store, and noticed their huge selection of Halloween-themed greeting cards. Did I say huge? I meant vast.

All I can say is why?

Who the hell sends out Halloween cards? I certainly don't, and I can't remember ever getting one in the mail, ever. Am I the oddball here? Does everyone else sit down and address their Halloween cards every October 1st? Somehow I doubt it. 

I could maybe imagine some clingy, needy mother sending out Halloween cards to her ungrateful kids in a desperate attempt at guilting them into a phone call or text, but even that's a stretch.

This is obviously a manufactured need on the part of Hallmark and all the other card companies. They no doubt analyzed their sales charts and noticed that profits took an alarming dive every October. So they started pumping out Halloween cards, hoping the public would see them and think they're supposed to buy and send them to one another, even though no one in their right mind would ever do such a thing.

Every time I see the huge amount of Halloween cards sitting there I get a sick feeling in my stomach. What a complete and utter waste! Think about the tons upon tons of them that go unsold and are sent back to the card company or hauled away to the dump.

Think about all the other things that paper could have been used for. Infinitely more useful things, like newspapers, phone books and Thanksgiving cards!

What Are Americans Outraged About This Week: Trophy T-Shirts

These days Americans love nothing more than feeling outraged. In fact it's replaced baseball as the national pastime. Practically every day the news is filled with various so-called atrocities that are vexing the general public and causing them to overreact.

So what are Americans outraged about this week?

Why, Target's new Women's "Trophy" t-shirt, of course.

The short sleeved, dark gray shirt features the word "Trophy" across the chest, and the phrase "Trophy Wife" is part of the actual product description. The shirt retails for $12.99.

Naturally this plain, simple garment has caused a storm of controversy on social media sites, as many shoppers are shocked and outraged that Target would carry such an item. A few were actually able to rise from their fainting couches long enough to compose themselves and label the shirt "demeaning," and demand it be pulled from stores.

One woman was so apoplectic over the shirt that she created a petition on Change.org, calling for Target to immediately cease selling it. As of this posting, the petition has nearly 15,000 supporters.

Target spokesmen responded to the controversy by stating, "These shirts are intended as a fun wink and we have received an overwhelmingly positive response from our guests."

Despite this, Target went on to say that it's "never their intention to offend anyone," and have decided to immediately pull the shirts from all stores nationwide. They then announced a new replacement for the offending garment, seen here.

Fifty Shades Of Shades

Saw this last night at my friendly neighborhood Target store. No, your eyes aren't deceiving you— Target is now selling genuine Fifty Shades Of Grey merchandise. Specifically blindfolds, from "The Official Pleasure Collection," no less.

Blindfolds. From Fifty Shades Of Grey. At Target. Target, the store that's exactly the same as Walmart, but with better press. 

I'm assuming they'd already sold out of the riding crops and nipple clamps.

Thank you Target, for at long, long last fulfilling America's sexual fantasies and bringing S & M to the suburbs.

Calvin & Schmobbes

 

You probably already know that Bill Watterson, creator of Calvin & Hobbes and professional recluse, famously dashed the hopes and dreams of his fans by refusing to license any merchandise based on his beloved strip. Something about "artistic integrity" or some such nonsense, and letting the work speak for itself. Feh!

I could see not wanting stores packed with Calvin & Hobbes lip gloss or fishing rods. But would it have killed him to have released a lousy plush Hobbes for the kids? 

I was strolling through Target last night and saw this. It struck me as a pretty reasonable facsimile of a stuffed Hobbes toy. It's not exact, but it's close enough that a kid wouldn't know it's not an officially licensed piece of merch. And it's only $10. Excuse me, $9.99 plus tax.

Take that, Watterson, you anti-capitalist commie! When you refuse the public a product they demand, you just encourage piracy. You've got no one to blame but yourself for the metric ton of "Peeing Calvin" window stickers that adorn the pickup trucks of our Republic.

Stay Weird, Target

I was wandering around my local Target this weekend, and saw this in the men's "sleep wear" (wink wink) department.

I think we all know what's really going on here. Yes, it's Target, proudly serving the Furry community since 1962.

Say what you will about Walmart and their business practices, but at least they don't carry unwholesome fetish-wear.

By the way, what clothing designer thought it would be a good idea to give this ridiculous thing a neck-to-crotch zipper? If you get up in the middle of the night to go to the bathroom you're pretty much going to have to peel it off all the way down past your waist. Convenient!

Monster Cereals Are Back!

This Fall Target's bringing scary back! Just in time for Halloween, they're releasing ALL the General Mills Nonster Cereals in special retro packaging!

As a graphic designer it's great to see these old-school designs back on the shelves. Makes me feel like a kid again.

Actually I never ate these cereals very often. I've always liked the characters more than I ever liked the actual cereal. Something about the way the marshmallow bits got all slimy when coated with milk was very off-putting to me.

Target didn't just bring back the main triumvirate of Monster Cereals, no-siree! Hold onto something-- they're bringing back two old discontinued favorites: Fruit Brute and Yummy Mummy! Can you believe it?

Fruit Brute left store shelves way back in 1982, but it's making its triumphant return this fall! At long last you'll finally be able to accurately recreate your Reservoir Dogs and Pulp Fiction cosplay outfits.

Yummy Mummy's back as well! It hasn't been seen on store shelves since it was discontinued in 1992. Finally you'll be able to relive the night you sat shoveling spoonfuls of Yummy Mummy into your mouth while you watched Marissa Tomei win the Best Supporting Actress Oscar for My Cousin Vinny!

I'm glad Target is releasing the original package designs instead of the new over-rendered, faux 3D abominations. Look at those god awful things! Just glancing at them gives me a headache. Only a Philistine would prefer those versions.

These old school retro Monster Cereals are available for a limited time at Target. By the way, for those of you who are wondering, these are just reproductions of the original boxes. They're not thirty year old boxes of cereal that Target found in an abandoned warehouse they acquired in a buyout. At least I don't think they'd try something like that... no, I'm sure it's all brand new. Yes, pretty sure. Reasonably sure. You know what, you might want to check the expiration date, just to be safe.

That's A Lot Of Gum

I saw this truck sitting in the parking lot of Target over the weekend.

Now that is a lot of Fruit Stripe Gum! 

I wasn't even aware they even still made Fruit Stripe Gum. I admit I'm not a fervent gum consumer, but it's been years, even decades since I saw any on store shelves. It doesn't seem like anyplace, even a mega retailer like Target, would need an entire semi-truck full of it. A van full, maybe. Heck, a couple of cases sitting in the back seat of a car would probably do.

But maybe I'm wrong; it happens now and then. Maybe citizens out there are asking for, nay demanding, case upon case of fruity gum that loses its flavor after literally five seconds.

Entertainment For The Whole Family!

I saw this recently at my neighborhood Target (Please excuse the horrible cell phone photo). They have an endcap full of kid's DVDs right next to the towel section. On the shelf right smack between Matilda and The Muppets Take Manhattan is the fun family movie Million Dollar Baby.


CAUTION! SPOILERS AHEAD! Yes, what child doesn't love the timeless story of a female boxer with nothing to lose who works her way to the top, only to be paralyzed from the neck down during the championship fight, ending up in a hospital where she suffers bedsores and amputation and finally begs her beloved trainer to kill her, putting an end to her misery. Your kids will want to watch it again and again. It's heartwarming fun for the whole family!

Lest you think this is just a case of a movie being mis-shelved, I would point out that although you can't read it in this photo, the tag beneath the DVD clearly says Million Dollar Baby. Somebody at Target either wasn't paying attention or hasn't seen the movie.

Be sure and check Target's kid section next week for DVDs of Henry, Portrait Of A Serial Killer, Irreversible, and The Human Centipede!